Lost and Found (Twist of Fate, Book 1) Page 19

  “Show me, Xander. Show me how much.”

  He let out a choked little sob, and then he was drawing me forward and settling his mouth on mine. Unlike all our previous kisses, this one was unhurried and gentle. That should have made it less intense, but it was the opposite. Because I felt everything he couldn’t put into words in that one kiss.

  And it broke my fucking heart.

  Because I knew whatever happened these last couple of days together, it wouldn’t change anything. We would still have to walk away from each other when it was over.

  I refused to let myself dwell on that, though. I kissed him back and then pushed forward until I was straddling his lap. His hands closed around my ass to hold me in place as we kissed. I could feel his erection pressing against mine, but there was no frenzy to do anything about it. The wind whipping the tent around ceased to exist and the rain splattering the sides of the nylon shell became our soundtrack as we took our time exploring each other’s bodies. Hands on heated skin, seeking mouths, dancing tongues… it was speaking without speaking. Loving each other in the only way we could.

  Xander carefully lowered me down into the folds of the sleeping bag. I welcomed the weight of his body as he covered me from head to toe, and I gladly made room for him by spreading my legs wide. I’d never had sex with a guy face to face, just because it was a level of intimacy I’d never wanted. Even with Aiden, I’d only ever let him take me from behind.

  Looking into Xander’s eyes, I knew why.

  Because I’d been too afraid that I’d look into my partner’s eyes and find them lacking. And then I’d have to face a truth I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge.

  That nothing they did or said would ever be enough. Not because there was anything wrong with them… but because they just weren’t Xander. They’d never hold that place in my heart that he’d had from the day I’d met him.

  I’d loved Xander from the moment I’d spied him through the car window, sitting on that swing, his sad eyes on his faded Transformers sneakers. It had been a child’s love then, but it had never waned, only grown. I didn’t even know when it had changed to loving him in a different way. But it had. And it had happened long before I’d stepped off that bus seven days ago.

  But I couldn’t tell him that. It would just hurt him… and me.

  And the last thing I wanted tonight to be about was pain… and regret. We’d both had enough of that to last a lifetime.

  So no, I couldn’t tell him how much I really did love him. But I sure as hell could show him.

  And that was exactly what I did.

  Chapter 29

  Xander

  It had been too close.

  Way too fucking close.

  Even now with Bennett lying beneath me, his mouth eagerly sipping at mine, I still had this irrational fear that it was a dream. That I was lying out on the banks of that river looking at the spot I’d seen Bennett go under for the last time. Even the thought had tears threatening to start all over again.

  It shouldn’t have taken almost losing him to know that I was in love with him. That I’d always been in love with him, even when I thought I’d hated him.

  The hate he hadn’t deserved.

  Because he’d been forced to make an impossible decision that no teenager ever should have to make. And because I hadn’t had the faith in him I should have had. Even after I’d left Greenwich, I’d had a million chances to call him… to give him a chance to explain himself.

  But I’d been so certain that he’d become just another rich asshole who thought he was better than me, that I’d refused to even give him the benefit of the doubt.

  My stubbornness had cost us fifteen years we couldn’t get back. And worse, I’d set us on a course that meant we’d never be together. If I’d sucked it up and called him, I could have kept that connection with him and maybe once he’d been old enough to tell his parents to go to hell, we could have been together. I wanted to rage at that… to find something that I could take my fury out on until I didn’t have to feel the regret seeping through my every nerve ending, through every cell in my body.

  “Xander, baby, please don’t.” I hadn’t even realized I’d stopped kissing Bennett at some point and I was braced above him, my elbows locked to keep my weight off his upper body. He pulled me down for a kiss and whispered, “Stay with me.”

  Yes. I would do that. Because he was still here. I’d lost what we could have had, but I hadn’t lost him.

  “Always,” I murmured against his lips, and then I sealed my mouth over his and settled my weight back down on him. I let the past and the future go and focused solely on him. My body ached to be inside of him, but my soul ached for something more. I needed more time so I could slow down and drink my fill of everything about him. I needed to be able to hang on to all the things he’d changed for me in the past seven days. I’d become his Xander again, and even if I couldn’t be with him once he got on that bus that would take him back to his life, I’d still always be his.

  We kissed for a long time… soft, slow, hard, desperate— didn’t matter. Every touch sent us higher and higher and our need for one another grew. Pre-cum was making our cocks slide deliciously against one another and I had no doubt it was a mix of both of our desire.

  “Fuck, need you so bad,” Bennett breathed against my mouth. His hips were bucking up against mine and his feet were locked around the backs of my thighs as if to hold me in place. I rocked into him a few times and drank down his moans of pleasure. But it wasn’t until his hands gripped my ass so he could grind our bodies together, that the rush of need became too much to ignore.

  “Benny,” I said harshly. “Are you negative?”

  “Wha… what?” he asked. His fingers were digging into the globes of my ass and I wondered if I’d have bruises tomorrow. God, I hoped so. I wanted Benny’s mark all over me. Just like I wanted to leave my mark on him… in him.

  “I don’t have any more condoms. Do you?”

  He stilled, but luckily, he didn’t remove his hands. Who would have guessed I’d have such a thing for his hands on my ass?

  “No,” he said dejectedly.

  I shouldn’t have been glad, but I was.

  Hell, glad wasn’t even the right word.

  “Are you negative, Benny?” I murmured against his mouth as I pressed gentle kisses against his lips. He kissed me back, but I kept the pecks light so he could focus.

  His eyes widened as he finally seemed to understand what I was asking. He began nodding. “Yes… yes.”

  “Me too,” I said. I kissed him deeply and asked, “Do you want it, Benny? Me inside of you? All of me?”

  “Are you really asking me that?” he asked, his lips drawing into an exaggerated frown. His hand came down on my ass with a crack, causing me to jump in surprise.

  “Was that supposed to be some kind of punishment?” I drawled as I enjoyed the warmth that flooded through my skin the second the slight sting faded away.

  “Not working?” he asked as he smoothed his palm over my globe. “Guess I’ll have to think of something else.” He arched his eyebrows as if deep in thought and then pulled his hands from my backside.

  “No fucking way,” I snarled, and then I searched his hands out and put them right back where they’d been. I kissed him hard and deep until he was squirming against me again and his fingertips were clutching my flesh. But he wasn’t satisfied with the simple act of gripping me. Because as I fucked his mouth with my tongue, one of his long fingers traced the crack of my ass and then he was breaching it and searching out my hole. I’d been with a few guys who’d tried to play with my ass before, but it wasn’t something I’d ever been into. But Bennett wasn’t just some guy and even if the sensations were new ones, I welcomed them. Hell, if he’d told me to turn over in that moment so he could shove inside of me, I would have gladly done it, despite the fact that I’d never let a guy fuck me before.

  “Yes!” I cried out when he began massaging my hole.

  “God
, Xander, you feel so good,” he murmured against my mouth. I wanted to tell him what he was doing to me felt amazing, but figured I’d show him instead. I reached behind me and grabbed his hand. I held his gaze as I pulled his fingers to my mouth and slowly bent every finger down until only the one that had been pressed against me remained. I slowly sucked it into my mouth and licked all around it as if it was his cock in my mouth. His eyes went wide and he inhaled sharply. When I released his finger, it was covered in spit and I carefully returned it to my ass.

  Bennett hesitated for several long seconds before he pushed against me.

  “Go slow, I’ve never…”

  I let my words drop off and Bennett completely froze. “What?”

  I dropped down to kiss him. “You’re going to be my first, baby.” I nipped at his lower lip. “I need you too bad to let you fuck me tonight, but I’m going to have every part of you before you leave, Bennett. I promise you that.”

  “I’ve never either… done that to a guy, I mean,” he stuttered.

  I smiled against his mouth. “So we still get to be each other’s firsts after all,” I whispered.

  He let out a little cry and then his mouth crashed against mine. His kiss was hungry and passionate, even as his finger gently began to probe me. It wasn’t until he began adding pressure that he gentled the kisses, making them slow and deep. It stung when his finger popped through my outer muscles, but the burn that followed didn’t feel at all bad. And the sensation when he pulled his finger back just a little bit before pushing it in again was heaven.

  “Fuck, yes,” I said on a breathy sigh.

  “So tight, baby. You’re going to feel so good wrapped around my dick.”

  I’d already known Bennett was demanding, even when he was the one getting fucked, but the heavy timbre of his voice as he plied me with dirty talk had me wondering if I shouldn’t be reconsidering having him take me tonight. It was my last coherent thought, because just as Bennett’s tongue slipped between my lips, he hit something inside me that sent shockwaves throughout my entire body.

  “Jesusfuckingchrist!”

  I dropped my head against Bennett’s shoulder and heard him chuckle in my ear. “Now you know what you do to me,” he said softly.

  I couldn’t even muster a response because he was massaging my prostate with finesse. He might not have ever fucked a guy before, but his touch had me guessing he’d probably at least done this part. It felt so good, I didn’t even have the energy to feel jealous about that fact.

  He plunged his finger into me several more times before I had to reach behind me to stop him. “I’m too close,” I said. Even now, the orgasm was right there, waiting for that last touch that would send me over. And I definitely didn’t want to go over without him.

  Bennett gently withdrew his finger and then we were kissing again. Our dicks were spikes between us. As much as I wanted to tease him with pleasure like he had me, I was too far gone for it. I reared up and began searching through my pack. I nearly jumped out of my skin when Bennett’s hand wrapped around both his dick and mine and began jerking us off. But he knew exactly where to draw the line to keep us riding the edge of pleasure, but not toppling over it.

  “What are you looking for?” he asked lazily, though I could tell from his bright eyes that he was as ready to blow as me.

  “Something to use as lube,” I said.

  “You don’t have any more?”

  I looked at him. “Seriously?” I asked. “Why would I be carrying lube around out here? Who exactly do you think I’m going to fuck out in the middle of nowhere?”

  He shrugged. “You did have an unnatural obsession with your teddy bear when we were little, and you did name your dog Bear.”

  “This coming from someone whose room looked like a Barney the Dinosaur store.”

  “Hey, he was popular when we were kids.”

  “Yeah, for like five-year-olds. You were almost twelve when your mom made you redecorate. You cried your ass off!”

  My chuckle was cut off when he gripped my dick hard.

  I leaned down to kiss him and said, “Remember, turnabout’s fair play.”

  He gasped at my words and I eagerly drank the sound down as I kissed him. I remembered what I’d been doing before we’d gotten sidetracked and resumed the search of my pack. When I finally found what I was looking for, Bennett stopped playing with our cocks.

  “What is that?” he asked as he eyed the small white lump in the plastic jar I was holding in my hand.

  “You know what it is,” I said.

  “No, I don’t,” he shot back. “It looks like the coconut oil we use for cooking, but I know that can’t be what it is because there’s no way you’re sticking that up my ass.”

  “Don’t worry, Aunt Lolly swears by this stuff.”

  “What?” he asked, his mouth agape.

  I chuckled and leaned down to kiss him. “It’s this or nothing,” I said. “And by nothing, I mean that tight little ass of yours stays empty.”

  “Just use some spit.”

  “No,” I responded. “Not risking hurting you… except for in a good way,” I added suggestively. “And trust me, the pounding I’m going to give you, you’re going to want something more than spit between my dick and that tight little hole of yours.”

  I kissed him again and once he was completely pliant, I said, “It’s perfectly safe, Bennett. It’s all natural.”

  He nodded, his eyes glassy. “Yeah, okay. God, just fuck me already, Xander.” He was practically writhing beneath me. I wasn’t faring much better. I knocked his hand away from our dicks and slathered some of the oil, which had a texture like butter, on my cock. I put a generous amount on my fingers and searched out Bennett’s hole, but as soon as I slipped a finger inside of him he said, “Don’t play with me, okay? I’m too close.”

  Joking Bennett was gone and in his place was gorgeous, needy, dangerous-to-my-heart Bennett. When I shifted slightly, Bennett grabbed my arm and said, “Xander.”

  When he didn’t continue and color stained his cheeks, I dropped my mouth to his. “What is it, baby?”

  “I need… I need…”

  “What, Benny? What do you need? Anything… it’s yours.”

  The words held more meaning than he could ever know.

  “I need it to be face to face this time.”

  I nodded. “Me too. I need to see you…”

  Bennett nodded and I knew we were on the same page. “It’s another first for me, Xander. I’ve never let anyone else take me like that.”

  My heart lurched in my chest. “Me neither,” I admitted. I was too overwhelmed to say anything, so instead, I settled down on him and shifted enough so I could get my hand between our bodies. I guided my cock to his entrance and began to slowly push inside of him. Bennett bore down on me and we both shuddered when my crown breached his outer muscles. I pulled out a little before sliding back in, allowing more of myself to sink into him. By the time I’d bottomed out inside of him, I was a quivering mess. I couldn’t even hold myself off him because my arms felt like jelly.

  “God, Benny, so good.”

  He grunted in my ear and then his mouth was pressing against my neck. I forced myself to lift enough so I could watch him as I began sliding in and out of his hot, tight body. The oil smoothed out my glides after a couple of strokes, so I picked up the pace. Fire coiled in my belly as I watched Bennett’s eyes go wide with wonder. His hands wrapped around my forearms and I felt his ankles lock behind my ass. His inner muscles milked my cock on every pass, pulling my orgasm to the surface in record time.

  I’d wanted to make it last longer, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to.

  “Too close,” I muttered.

  “Me too,” he huffed. Sweat clung to our bodies as the tide of pleasure began to consume us. I shifted my left hand so that I could clasp his and hold it against the ground near his head. I began moving my right hand between our bodies so I could jerk him off, but he grabbed it and linked
our fingers instead.

  He shook his head and I understood his unspoken message. He didn’t need the extra stimulation. From the slickness coating my abdomen as my lower half rubbed his dick with every pass of my body, I’d guessed as much. The feeling of being bare inside of Bennett was just too much. I wasn’t allowed to tell him I loved him, but I couldn’t stop the words that did tumble out of my mouth as my orgasm began to wash over me.

  “So many firsts we should have had together, Benny.”

  Chapter 30

  Bennett

  So many firsts we should have had together, Benny.

  The words were painful to hear, but I knew he was only saying the same thing I was thinking. As beautiful as this moment was, I couldn’t help but recognize the regret that came along with it. We’d lost so many years of moments like this… of firsts that had been meant for each other, but that a cruel twist of fate had stolen away.

  I clung to Xander as he drove into me over and over again. I didn’t want it to end, but I couldn’t stop the agonizing bliss that had become a living thing within me. My only purpose in life in that moment was to take the pleasure Xander was giving me and give it right back to him. I let out a scream as the violent orgasm hit me with such force, I had no choice but to close my eyes.

  “No, Benny, open them,” Xander ordered… demanded… begged.

  I did as he said and held his gaze even as the pure beauty of what was happening to my body threatened my very consciousness. It frightened me how good it felt… pleasure that bordered on the edge of pain. Explosion after explosion detonated within my body, and I gripped Xander’s fingers hard so that I’d have something to hang onto in case the climax tried to tear me from him. Seconds later, Xander dropped his lower half onto me and yanked his hands free of mine. He curled his arms around me and held me flush against his chest as he began shooting deep inside of me. I fisted my hands on his back as his release triggered another round of gut-wrenching spasms. I couldn’t believe it, but more cum shot from my cock and pooled between our sweat-drenched bodies.